Open Letter from the President of the NRA

We face a critical time in the history of our nation. President Obama and his jackbooted thugs want to confiscate your only means of ensuring that our nation remain free. Without your handguns, rifles, shotguns and so-called assault weapons, there would be little chance of repelling the US military with their tanks, drones and nuclear weapons from installing a dictatorship in America.

We are only a handgun away from the shredding of the Constitution and imposition of tyranny. All we need do is look at the United Kingdom, France and Australia to see how quickly tyranny follows gun control. Okay, maybe it hasn't actually happened in those countries, but any century now it could.

What part of the 2nd Amendment is not clear? As long as we completely ignore the first half of the Amendment, then literally apply each and every word of the second half, the 2nd Amendment means exactly what we believe it does, in spite of the words in it. The 2nd Amendment clearly says, when read completely out of context, that the right of the people to keep and bear arms "shall not be infringed." That obviously means, for example, that the right of prisoners to have guns in prison SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED, the right of mental patients to have guns in mental hospitals SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED and the rights of terrorists to have guns on airplanes SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED. I used all capital letters so that those of you who do not understand plain English would be able to better understand what SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED means.

Universal background checks? Clearly such tyrannical policy might prevent a felon, mentally ill person, or terrorist from obtaining a gun, but would not prevent a law-abiding citizen from obtaining a gun. So we must ensure that the rights of felons, mental patients and terrorists to keep and bear arms SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED by stopping universal background checks. That is just how important the 2nd Amendment is. It is more important than life itself!

We are proud of our record. Did you know that a study 20 years ago found that 1% of gun dealers sold 57% of the guns used in crimes? When we saw this study, we immediately gave Congress a whole bunch of money to make sure that such information could never be collected again. We have to protect those that protect us, that is, the gun dealers who sell guns to criminals. That is how your donations have been put to good use. Keep the money coming!

Did you know that 2,000 guns may have crossed the border in 5 years in what has been called "Operation Fast and Furious" but more than 64,000 other guns seized in Mexico in the same 5 years were purchased in the US and we had no idea that was happening until those guns were seized by Mexican police at the scenes of 50,000 murders? We stopped all efforts to track the 64,000 guns, but have made every effort to destroy President Obama regarding the 2,000 guns. Why? Because President Obama wants to strip away your god-given guns, while those Mexican drug lords who have murdered 50,000 innocent people in Mexican border towns have a 2nd Amendment right to bear arms. Well, maybe they don't actually have a 2nd Amendment right to bear arms, but if they were citizens of the United States, they would have, and that is good enough for us.

Actually, not a single piece of gun legislation or regulation makes sense, because bad guys will just violate any gun laws that are passed. In fact, we support repealing all laws in America because bad guys will just break them anyway. Makes perfect sense, right?

Finally, and most evidently, everyone knows that when you are overweight, if you eat more food, you will lose weight. So obviously, if you have a problem with gun violence, more guns is the solution. Maybe that does not actually make sense, but it sure makes money for the gun manufacturers that we have absolutely positively no connection whatsoever to who made $12 billion last year.

Happy New Year! If you survive...